The Only Hand You Ever Need to Hold
by notgonnatellu
Summary: In which Keith has been in love with Lance since they were ten, but Lance just does not notice.


Hello! Welcome to this childhood friends to lovers/no Voltron au!

Sorry for any mistakes, I'll try to find and fix them later :)

* * *

"Keeeith! I love you!"

The intimidating sentence is out before Keith can slap a hand over Lance's mouth and silence him. Each word hits Keith's chest harder than usual, bruising his skin, bruising his trust in love. As per normal, he doesn't reply anything.

The playground goes silent. Everyone turns to stare at them. The damage has been done.

Keith can feel the familiar anger boil on his tongue as mean words fill his mind. Why can't Lance understand that that's not something you can just blurt out to your friend when all of your classmates are around? Why is Lance always so keen on being affectionate?

The silence doesn't last long and it's followed by laughter. Keith hates being the center of attention, especially when others are just mocking him for no reason.

Ten year olds can be so cruel when they want to.

Lance looks around, confused. He blinks his eyes, the intentionally malicious laughter making him frown. Before he can open his stupid, big mouth again, Keith grasps his arm and starts dragging him away.

A group of popular kids snicker loudly. So loudly that it hurts Keith's ears.

"Are you two gonna go hide somewhere to _kiss_ in secret?" one of them asks.

" _'_ _Muah, muah, I love you, Keith!'_ " another tries to mimic Lance's voice.

More ugly laughter.

Finally, Lance's lips purse together in irritation. He yanks his arm free and turns back to face the popular kids. His brow furrows, and Keith knows he's about to explode. Before Lance can do more damage, Keith takes his hand again and forcefully pulls Lance with him.

Lance stumbles, almost falls, regains his balance. Unconsciously, he intertwines their fingers. "Keith, hey, wait!"

Keith says nothing. Doesn't look back. Lance's fingers are almost too hot against his. The other kids fake kissing sounds.

Only when he's sure the other kids can't hear them, Keith lets go of Lance's hand. The burning warmth of his best friend's fingers disappears. Keith didn't expect to miss the feeling straight away. He has to push the urge to touch Lance again to the back of his mind.

Keith gathers his thoughts quickly. "You can't just say that in front of everyone!" he hisses as quietly as he can.

Confusion colours Lance's expression, but Keith is sure he can sense his anger. "What do you mean?"

"I mean exactly what I said. You can't just tell me that you — that you love me or whatever."

A stubborn pout takes over Lance's face as he puts his hands in his pockets. "But I do love you."

Keith throws his head back, groaning at his friend's honesty. He is well aware that Lance means what he says, he knows Lance thinks love is simple. Love isn't something Lance is ashamed of. Love isn't something to be afraid of.

Still, Keith is.

It's hard for him to talk about his feelings or even recognize them most of the time. It's not like he doesn't care for Lance, he definitely does, but... love just scares him. He doesn't understand it, he's not used to it and he doesn't know how to react when Lance tells him he's important.

Besides, love is embarrassing. _Lance_ is embarrassing. The other kids aren't constantly openly declaring how much they like each other, Lance shouldn't either.

"It's weird", Keith mumbles and turns to stare at his shoes. "Everyone already treats us like outsiders. Don't make it worse."

"Alright..." Lance agrees with a slow nod of his head. Keith can tell he doesn't actually get it. "Then, I'll tell you I love you when no one else is around?"

Keith has no idea why that idea makes his heart jump. It scares him even more. Hearing the words ' _I'_ , ' _love'_ and ' _you'_ is just too much.

"No, don't." He shakes his head. "I don't like it when you say things like that..."

At that, something in Lance's expression changes. His eyes become distant, the typical joyfulness vanishing. He swallows, lips a thin line. It's Lance's turn to stare at the ground.

"Oh", the boy barely manages to whisper, and Keith prays he's not close to tears. "Sorry. I just thought... Sorry. I'll stop."

Lance looks hurt. Really hurt. Keith hates that he is the one who put that look on his best friend's face but he doesn't regret telling the truth.

"Umh, thanks", he mutters back.

There's an awkward pause. Both boys have their eyes and heads turned down. Neither wants to go back to the playground area.

Not for the first time, Keith wonders if there's something wrong with him. Love, whatever it is, messes up with his head, his everyday thoughts.

It is clear that his mother didn't feel enough love for him. Maybe she didn't understand it either and that's why he's so odd, too. Is it his fault the foster families never really warm up to him? Why is he the one his classmates always pick on?

Out of the corner of his eye, Keith sees how Lance finally raises his head. Straightens. Clears his throat. Then, he takes Keith's hand in his and gives it a gentle squeeze.

Keith is more than embarrassed when a soft gasp manages to escape his throat. Lance doesn't seem to notice, but Keith still wants to pull his hand back and put some badly needed distance between them. Lance's skin is soft, possibly even warmer than before. It's suffocating.

"I know you probably don't want to hear this either, but I still want to thank you, Keith... for being my best friend", Lance says, honesty in his voice, sincerity in his ocean eyes. It was never his intention to hurt Keith's feelings. "Thanks for being the coolest best friend anyone could ever have."

Lance is also someone who doesn't fit in. Lance is someone who is too loud, too clingy, too flashy to be considered a popular kid. According to others, Lance is too this, too that, but never really enough either.

"I want to be your best friend forever."

And isn't that the lamest thing that has come out of this boy's mouth today? Keith almost sticks out his tongue in disgust, but the sincere look in Lance's eyes lets him know that his friend is completely serious. The words in the wind, the faint smell of chlorinated water, the sight in front of him, it all looks like a promise.

Keith's mouth falls slightly open without his permission. He's so surprised by Lance's straightforwardness that he forgets he's supposed to feel uncomfortable, supposed to hate being this close to another human being.

Keith turns to look at their hands. Lance — most likely without even realizing it — caresses Keith's fingers with a thumb. Keith doesn't think he has ever felt anything as tender before. The warmth that radiates from Lance could probably still choke him to death, but the feel of his hand is actually quite soothing.

Maybe... maybe even too soothing? How can Lance be so soft? Why does Lance always have to be so... _Lance_?

When their eyes meet again, Lance shows him a big smile. It has to be the biggest one Keith has ever seen. The sunlight highlights Lance's every good feature and glues Keith's eyes on him. Permanently. Or at least that's what it feels like.

Lance's smile only widens. He laughs at Keith's awestruck expression and the sound echoes around them. Without warning, Keith's heart skips a beat. A very strange kind of beat that leaves him feeling like —

To be honest, Keith doesn't even know. He has no idea what to call this feeling. It's both gentle and nervous, it tugs at his heartstrings, causes him to hold his breath. The feeling forces his eyes down to his friend's lips.

What the hell is this?

Lance shines so bright. Too bright. Keith's afraid the sun in front of him will one day make him blind, but all he can do is stare at his best friend, blink his eyes like an idiot and pray that Lance will spare his eyes.

Keith tries to get his lips to work, to repeat Lance's words, but his mouth only hangs open, useless. He settles for nodding.

 _You're my best friend, too._ Why can't he say it out loud?

The bell rings. The break is over, they have to go back to class.

Lance lets go of Keith's hand and walks ahead of him. Not one bit ashamed, he yells, "Keith Kogane is my best friend! Did you all hear that?"

That, too, embarrasses Keith immensely, but Lance just sounds so... incredibly proud. So proud to call Keith his best friend. There is only pure joy in Lance's voice when he whirls around and flashes a huge grin. He's missing a tooth. The corners of Keith's mouth tug up.

Lance has found a way to let Keith know how much he cares about him without scaring him away.

-/-/-

Fidgeting with the sleeves of his bright red jacket, Keith waits, standing awkwardly in the doorway. The house in front of him is so full of life that it's almost overwhelming. Keith feels completely out of place and tries to make himself seem as small as possible.

Keith loves peace and quiet. An empty house is like a paradise to him. He's safe when no one's talking, he's safe when he stares at the mute stars at night.

It's funny. Despite everything, his favourite person in the entire world is someone who never ever shuts up. It's very clear that Lance's family is just as loud as he is.

They're supposed to go to the movies today. Lance's friends Pidge and Hunk are coming, too, but Keith decided to show up at Lance's house a bit earlier so that he could have some quality time with his best friend before the others arrive. Unfortunately, for a 12-year-old, Lance takes forever to get ready.

Nervously, Keith takes a quick glance at his watch. At this rate, he won't get to spend any quality time with Lance at all.

"Cool jacket", Lance's older brother comments as he walks past Keith to his rusty bike. There's a smirk on the boy's face, so Keith isn't sure if the compliment was honest or not.

"Thanks", he replies anyway.

Lance was the one who told him that red was his colour. Keith thinks red makes it look like he's seeking attention on purpose. Nevertheless, here he is, wearing the too-bright jacket Lance gave him for his birthday.

"Just a sec, Keith!" Lance shouts from the bathroom. Four seconds later he stumbles into the room, yelps and falls facedown to the floor.

Upon hearing her son's distressed cry, Lance's mum calls his name, sounding only a little worried. This probably happens quite often, Keith muses.

"I'm fine!" Lance yells back. He takes deep, exaggerated breaths, acting like he had just ran a marathon, and then turns to Keith and flashes him a smile. He's wearing a bright blue hoodie with bright blue shoes.

Looking at Lance's outfit, Keith can't stop his grin. The two of them don't match at all, they'll probably look horrible standing next to each other. It's amazing.

Lance's mother appears from the kitchen, leaning against the door and crossing her arms across her chest. She stares at Lance with one eyebrow raised. It is the same face Lance makes when he knows Keith is lying.

Lance gets up to give his mother a hug, making her suspicious stare crack, replacing it with amusement. She says something in Spanish that makes Lance giggle, and Lance leans down to receive a forehead kiss from her.

Next, Lance hurries to press a quick kiss to the top of his little brother's head. He traps his little sister with his arms before she can get away and kisses her cheek. "Muah! Love ya!"

His brother sticks his tongue out at him.

"Yuck!" his sister pretends to gag.

Throwing his head back, Lance laughs at the disgusted faces they're making. He beams, like always, and once again Keith can only stare, stare, stare. Lance's whole being seems to radiate the words ' _I love you_ ' whenever he's with his family.

Keith doesn't understand why he's suddenly hit by a wave of sadness. It leaves him feeling empty even though Lance's bright smile is trying its best to fill his heart. Keith turns to look at his hands and the jacket he got from his best friend.

The door behind him is still open. Keith wonders whether he should close it. The wind is cold today, so are his fingers.

-/-/-

"Keith... I think I want to become an astronaut."

Lance's words instantly make Keith's heartbeat grow louder. Excitement pours out of his mouth when he asks, "You like him, right?"

"Dude, Shiro is sooo cool!" his friend exclaims, hopping onto Keith's bed and throwing his hands up.

They're like two fanboys.

"I can't believe you're living with someone who's going to go to space in a few years! And Shiro looks so... so strong, you know? Like he could lift a car over his head."

Agreeing, Keith nods his head, enthusiastic. "He _is_ very strong."

"Right? Shiro is like a... like a hero." The words sound both dreamy and sorrowful.

Lance closes his eyes, and Keith can almost feel how his mind wonders to those unrealistic dreams he has. Lance wants to be the center of attention 24/7, he wants to be praised, wants to be a real life Marvel superhero. Keith isn't sure if Lance understands that being worshipped doesn't increase a person's worth.

"I wanna be like Shiro one day", Lance says with a heavy sigh, his voice waking Keith from his thoughts. "I know it won't be easy, but... do you think I could do it?"

"Do what?"

"Be the greatest space explorer in the world?"

Keith hardly hesitates at all before he answers, "Yes."

"Re-really?"

Realizing what he had just said, Keith's eyes widen in embarrassment. He does believe in Lance with his whole soul, yes, but that isn't something he should just blurt out.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.

"Sorry to interrupt..." Shiro opens the door, slowly, like he's afraid of scaring the boys. The smile on his face is warm though.

Lance and Keith immediately turn to face him, eager to know what the older boy has to say. Shiro gives them a quick, funny look. Their eyes must be practically sparkling.

"I made pancakes. Would you like some?"

"Yes!" Lance screams. It sounds like a shout of victory.

"We'll be right there", is Keith's polite reply.

Shiro nods once, then closes the door again, silently. The moment the door is shut, the boys turn to look at each other again and, yep, at least Lance's eyes are shining.

"Damn, did you see those muscles? How often does he work out? I can't believe I'm going to eat something that _he_ made", Lance blabbers, leaning closer to Keith, trying to whisper so that Shiro won't hear. But, well, he has never been good at being quiet.

Keith can only laugh. He feels deliriously happy for some reason. Giddy, even. There's something warm blooming in his chest and as he looks at Lance's cheerful eyes, his stomach flutters with something wonderful.

Wonderful but also scary.

Keith is feeling too much at once, it's impossible to hide or bury his emotions right now. He doesn't want to, but he has to acknowledge the thoughts that are going through his head.

He has always wanted a brother. An actual brother. The temporary foster siblings were meant to be nothing but just that: temporary. Nothing but fake.

But Shiro... he's different. Keith can already feel it, in his heart, in his soul, wherever the hell his emotions are supposed to reside. He has only known Shiro for a few days, but it really does feel like there's a connection. There's a bond between them and it lets Keith pretend they are related. Blood.

Being around Shiro gives him a feeling he doesn't know how to describe. It's a feeling Keith thought he'd never experience.

For the first time in his life, Keith hopes he gets adopted.

Lance stretches out his long legs and then hops off the bed. "Okay, let's go! I'm getting kinda hungry."

His eyes are still full of wonder and his hair is messier than usual as he offers Keith his hand. Keith doesn't think twice before taking it, instantly craving the warmth he knows Lance's skin can give him. Keith feels like a fool.

How can Lance be so beautiful? Is it normal for a boy to be that beautiful? Is it normal to _think_ that boys are beautiful?

Lance is not the first boy Keith has thought of as pretty, but his best friend truly has to be the most breathtaking one. An unfinished masterpiece.

He'll need to ask Shiro about this later. The thought alone forces a huge smile to his face.

A brother. He's got a brother now. Someone he trusts as much as he trusts Lance.

The smell of freshly baked pancakes fills Keith's sharpened senses as they enter the kitchen hand in hand. The food is so hot it hurts his tongue at first, but the second degree burns on Keith's palms were made by his best friend's gentle fingers.

Shiro tells them about his latest school projects. Keith can't take his eyes off of Lance, only half listening to what his new big brother is saying.

Shiro says he loves the sky, loves their planet, loves the universe too much not to explore it.

Lance's face lights up when he imagines himself twinkling up there together the with stars.

Maybe, Keith starts to think. Maybe he will become an astronaut, too. Running away from Earth to a place where everyone is equally lost, escaping to the infinite with Shiro and Lance...

Yeah, that doesn't sound bad at all.

-/-/-

"I don't know, sometimes it kind of feels like there's something wrong with me. Like, am I straight or am I gay?"

The question earns a frown from Keith. Trying his best to think of something wise to say, he stares at the ceiling, but his eyelids are starting to grow so, so heavy.

How could _Keith_ know the answer if Lance himself doesn't?

It's pitch black outside. Lance's old lava lamp spins colours all around the room, painting the sleepy boys in different shades of blue. The mattress underneath Keith is uncomfortable, but Lance's room is safe and warm like always. A quick look at the clock reveals that it's almost three in the morning. They're the only ones still awake.

"But it is true that I like girls a lot. A looot. Girls are the most glorious creatures on this planet. Or on any planet for that matter."

Keith merely shrugs. Lance probably can't even see it.

"That means I... can't be gay, right?"

Instead of his eyelids, Keith's chest now feels heavy. He stares at the dancing lights, stares at nothing, and grits his teeth. Somehow Lance's words manage to leave him heavy-hearted.

Keith knows he likes boys. Has known for some time now. It's cool. Great even. He accepts it, has never seen it as a 'problem'. But...

Sometimes, when he catches himself staring at Lance and wishing he could taste that annoyingly loud laughter or tell him how beautiful he looks when the morning sun first touches his grumpy face, a pang of guilt swallows him whole. Keith feels like he's lying to Lance, like he's betraying his best friend's trust.

"W-would it..." Keith pauses to swallow so that he can get his strangely shaky voice under control. He doesn't want to feel guilty about something like this, but the truth is that Lance's opinion matters a great deal to him. "Would it be so bad if you were gay?"

Lance's nose wrinkles. He shakes his head. "That's not what I meant. I don't think it's bad. I'm just... confused?"

Before Keith can say anything, Lance turns on his side to look at him, propping his head in his palm. In the dark, his freckles remind Keith of the black stars he drew in art class last week. He raises an eyebrow at the pout on his friend's face, and Lance puffs out his cheeks in frustration.

"Keith, do you think aliens have to think about stuff like this?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, do they ever wonder whether they're gay or straight?"

A soft groan fills the room as Keith covers his eyes with his hand. Alright, sounds like it's time to finally go to sleep. He's way too tired to ponder how aliens view sexuality.

Keith rolls over, turning his back to Lance. "Let's think about that tomorrow."

"Keeeith..."

"Tomorrow."

"This is super important!"

" _Good night_."

There's a long pause. Keith waits, Lance stays quiet. Finally, the rustle of the bed sheets lets him know that Lance has turned to face the wall, too.

"Night", Lance mumbles.

Silence falls.

Instead of the swimming blue, Keith decides to focus on the few dark spots the ugly lava lamp can't touch. He clears his mind of aliens and tries to think about nothing.

Lance's soft breathing is loud in his ears. The sound is distracting, it disturbs Keith's sheep-counting. Thinking about nothing doesn't work, either. His head is filled with thoughts about liking boys and liking Lance and Lance maybe liking both girls and boys. He wonders if his breathing is just as loud to Lance.

Eventually, Keith shrugs inwardly. He should enjoy this while he still can and enter the dreamland as soon as possible. Once Lance falls asleep, he snores so bad the walls could fall down.

But instead of falling asleep, Keith suddenly hears himself whisper, "You know... there are other sexual orientations than just gay and straight."

A moment passes. It seems like Lance's breathing, which was so loud barely a second ago, has stopped altogether.

Keith can't figure out if he said something wrong. He doesn't think he did? Maybe Lance didn't hear what he said at all? Is that why he's not saying anything?

"Mm", Lance hums finally, letting Keith know that he really is thinking about it, trying to reach a conclusion.

Keith bites his lip. "Besides... any guy or girl would be lucky to have you as their boyfriend. You really are... special."

Like lightning, Lance sits up and gasps at Keith's words, clearly overacting. Keith does't have to see him to know that he's grinning.

Fire invades Keith's cheeks. He curses under his breath and covers his ears with his pillow. Why do humans have to get so emotional when they're tired?

"Aww, Keith –"

"Don't start."

"Keith, my friend, my buddy, the pal of my heart."

"Lance, I swear to god —"

"That was the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."

The rest of Keith's complaints die on his lips. He knows Lance well enough to know when he's being honest. Like right now. Lance is genuinely touched, Keith's words really meant a lot to him.

"That was... the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a really long time, actually."

All of a sudden, Keith's heart is soaring and he doesn't like the feeling at all. Here he goes again, imagining how much safer the night would be if they could sleep under the same blanket, if he could hold Lance the way he really wants to. Here he goes again, thinking he could love Lance the way Lance wants to be loved.

A rush of panic follows the dangerously tender thoughts. At this rate he's going to say something he'll later regret. Something they'll both regret.

So, instead of telling Lance that he meant every single word, Keith blurts out the first words that form on his lips, "Y-yeah, but the downside of dating you is that you're kind of ugly."

Lance hits him with his pillow. Hard. He deserved that, Keith knows he did. He forgives himself for lying because there's still joy in Lance's voice when he tells Keith to go screw himself and then starts snoring.

-/-/-

The most frustrating thing about Lance is that he's so _goddamn lovable_.

 **L**

 **o**

 **v**

 **a**

 **b**

 **l**

 **e** ,

Keith spells in one of his notebooks with big, black letters, almost furious as he thinks about Lance and his goofy smile. It's unfair, he decides. He never stood a chance against the sunshine.

Alright, true, maybe Lance isn't someone who catches your eye right away. But he should be.

The moment someone — anyone — needs help or comforting words, he's there, ready to do anything in order to make that person feel better. The moment you realize how big the heart that Lance guards in his chest truly is, you'll know you can leave your entire soul under his care. And when he smiles at you so big his eyes almost turn into crescents and his laugh echoes through your body...

Once you get to really know Lance, how can you not fall in love?

If you asked Keith, he'd say Lance focuses too much on romance. He complains daily about not having a girlfriend and spends way too much time worrying about what others think of him even though it's pointless.

If you asked Keith, he would never admit that he thinks about Lance as much as Lance thinks about girls. Too often they are both distracted by their daydreams, images of impossible alternate realities. Keith doesn't think of himself as a particularly creative person, but when it comes to Lance, his brain seems to go wild.

Bored with the current lesson, Keith stares out of the classroom window and lets his mind wander. Immediately he ends up thinking about his best friend's lips. It makes his nose wrinkle.

Lips. The first thing his mind wants to imagine is Lance's lips. His stupid, little brain wants him to go and kiss Lance.

Keith rolls his eyes but doesn't even try to think about anything else. He's curious. What would it be like to kiss Lance? How would his lips feel? Soft? Or rough? Would he smell safe and welcoming like his room or would he smell fresh like the shower gel he uses? _How_ does Lance kiss?

Keith closes his eyes, lets the thoughts take over.

Lance would be... clumsy but eager. He would run his fingers through Keith's hair, he would pull and caress, again and again, just to hear Keith sigh. As a payback, Keith would steal Lance's breath right out of his lungs until Lance melted in his arms. They would be chest to chest, heart to heart, and Lance's hand would find his.

Yeah. That's how it would go. And Keith wants it.

He opens his eyes again.

So. He's in love with his best friend. Fun.

It's not like Keith is lying to himself though. Nothing more than friendship will ever happen between them, he knows that. Is he wasting his love now when it's no longer platonic? But what is he supposed to do? Lance is his source of happiness.

Shiro told him that treating Lance as the only thing that really keeps him happy is going to be exhausting on the long run. True happiness is peace from inside, that's what he had said. When you're completely at peace with yourself that is when you'll understand what being happy truly means.

'Learn to love yourself first' sounds simple enough. In reality, it's anything but. Keith is mostly nervous to find out which part of _Lance_ he will fall in love with next.

-/-/-

"Pidge and Hunk won't stop making fun of me..."

"What did you do this time?"

They're on their way home from school. Lance has been sulking the whole time.

"You're going to laugh at me, too."

"I promise I won't."

"Fine." Lance huffs. "I asked Allura if she's ever been to the moon."

Keith raises an eyebrow. "To the _moon_?"

"It was supposed to be a charming pick up line, okay? But then panic struck and I ruined everything! Not every day you get to talk to the coolest girl in school, you know!"

"Okay... And what did she reply?"

"'No', of course!" Lance groans and covers his face with his hands. "And at that point I was already sweating so bad that my brain started malfunctioning and I practically screamed ' _that's great, we have so much in common already'_!"

To stop himself from smiling, Keith bites his lip. "And?"

"And then everyone in the hallway turned to stare at me and I thought I was gonna die of shame."

"And...?"

"And now I'm afraid that Allura will never realize I'm her destiny!"

A pause.

"Ah", is all Keith says. He walks a little faster.

Sucking his bottom lip between his teeth, Lance turns to stare at the ground, trying to keep up with Keith. "Do you think that what I said was too weird?"

"Don't worry about it", Keith answers with a dry voice. "You're always weird."

Lance sticks his tongue out. "Rude. I guess I shouldn't take advice from someone who has not washed his ugly gloves in, like, forever."

"I have washed them, though."

"You haven't. It's gross." Despite saying that, Lance reaches for Keith's left hand and touches the other 'gross, ugly glove'.

Something in Keith stops him from pulling away, even when his mind says he should. Instead, he just watches, frozen in place, as Lance brings the hand to his nose and sniffs. Loudly, like the dramatic goof he is.

"Yeah", Lance says after shaking his head. "It smells."

Yet, he doesn't let go. On the contrary, it almost feels like he's holding the tips of Keith's fingers a little tighter. Lance caresses his hand like he always does, oblivious to Keith's rapidly beating heart. It's skin against skin, and Keith is both uncomfortable and over the moon at the same time.

"Whoa!" Lance exclaims suddenly, eyes widening slightly. Alright, now he's definitely tightening his hold. "Your skin is so soft. Love it."

Screw Shiro's advice. Keith wants to thank the whole universe for bringing Lance to him.

-/-/-

"I told her that I..." Lance takes a moment to sniff, "that I love her, but..." Another sniff, followed by a heavy sigh. "' _I already told you I don't like you like that, just get over it.'_ That's what she said. And you know what the worst part was? I started crying in front of her! Like a baby! Could I have been any more pathetic?"

They're in Lance's room, sitting on the bed. The curtains are closed, the posters of faraway stars and planets are hidden behind the new bookshelf, the lava lamp is turned off. The sound of a freshly broken heart lingers around them. Right now the room doesn't really feel like it even belongs to Lance.

"Don't you always say that crying cleanses one's soul or whatever?"

They both know that Keith sucks at comforting. Still, Lance has chosen his shoulder to cry on.

"Yeah, yeah, crying is good but not when it happens in front of your crush who just rejected you!"

Keith should have warned him. Everyone could see that Allura wasn't interested, it's not her fault. Keith just isn't sure if he can forgive her for making Lance bawl his eyes out like this.

"Th-the same happened with Plaxum, too! Even when I was so sure she had a crush on me! It's like I'm cursed!" Lance cries and cries, the skin around his eyes painfully puffy and red. "Keith, what is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Why does no one ever like me back? Am I that ugly? Am I too annoying? No one loves me —"

" _Lance_ ", Keith interrupts him with a firm voice, ordering Lance to shut up. "That is _not_ true and you know it."

Bravely, Lance tries to win the staring contest, but his bottom lip is already quivering quite badly and in the end, he has to look away.

Keith's not going to give up. "You do know that that's not true, don't you?" he asks again.

Lance's breath stutters.

"Your family loves you, Lance."

"My... my dad doesn't."

Keith's eyes narrow. "Who cares about your dad, he's not part of your family. Fuck him."

Lance hangs his head low, body slightly shaking.

Keith keeps going, "Pidge and Hunk love you. Shiro cares about you a lot and I've heard that Matt thinks you're really cool."

 _ **I** love you, you idiot._ He doesn't even think about saying that out loud.

"And let's be honest, Allura and Plaxum like you, too. Pretty much everyone does, have you noticed?" Where is this rush of words coming from? "Allura and Plaxum... Neither of them is the one you're meant to love. That person... they're out there somewhere, just as desperate to give their heart to you. Trust me."

Keith wants his words to go straight into Lance's soul, stay there for the rest of his life. He can't stand it that Lance thinks he's unloved.

It's quiet for a moment.

Lance looks absolutely dumbfounded. Shocked. His mouth is wide open as he stares at Keith, but it doesn't look like he's even breathing.

The silence makes Keith nervous. Maybe he had said the wrong things. Maybe he should have just told him that Allura will soon come around, that she'll see how much positivity Lance has stored inside his body, how fiercely he believes in love and happy endings, how _special_ he is.

Eventually, Lance pulls himself together and lets out a chuckle. He grabs Keith's hand and squeezes it so hard it almost hurts. The stars return to his night sky eyes.

Keith immediately feels better, knowing that he hadn't mess up. He lets out a long breath, amazed by the soothing power of Lance's fingers.

Their hands carry memories, precious memories that Keith will always cherish until his last breath. Lance will always have his hand to hold.

"What the hell was that?" Lance snorts, the sound like music to Keith's ears. "Where is Keith and what have you done to him?"

Keith shrugs, but the corners of his mouth are tugging upward. To be honest, he was surprised by his own words, too. "I just told the truth, that's all."

"I guess you're right. I am pretty awesome."

Keith gives Lance a gentle nudge, careful not to let go of his hand. "Don't let it go to your head."

"Thank you, Keith", Lance says then and wipes the remaining tears off his face. His voice is small, tired from all the crying. "I just... Thank you for being my best friend. I mean it."

The words cause Keith's heart to skip a few beats. The words paint his ears red and the blood in his veins blue like his best friend's eyes. Keith hates his body for betraying him like this. Hopefully Lance doesn't notice.

"You're, uh, welcome."

There are so many things he wants to tell Lance, but the words just can't find their way out of his mouth. Keith wants to hug him. He wants to cradle Lance in his arms, hold him gently and protectively and so, so tightly that they could hear each other's hearts beat. But he's too scared. Scared of what Lance would think if he found out.

 _You're my best friend._

 _(I love you.)_

 _-/-/-_

Cupping his chin and lifting it, the boy kisses him, taking Keith completely by surprise. The distant sound of the party swells in the background. Keith's ears don't work.

He pushes the boy back, eyes wide, mind blanking for a second. The stranger in front of him tilts his head in confusion, but his brown eyes are still twinkling, intrigued. Does he think this is some kind of a game? That Keith is just playing hard to get?

"It's okay", the boy chuckles when he notices the shock in Keith's eyes. "No one saw. Everyone's outside. It's just us here."

Making out with a random guy at a party isn't supposed to be a big deal, but Keith just... _can't_. He feels nothing. He doesn't even know this guy's name.

Besides, the stranger is not really his type anyway. Keith likes loud, contagious laughter. He likes boys who shine so bright they give him a headache. This guy's eyes aren't deep enough, his skin is too light and he doesn't smell right, doesn't remind Keith of home and seashells.

Okay, sure, maybe he had flirted with the guy a little bit, mostly just to see what it would feel like and if he's any good at it.

Apparently, he's very good.

Why did the kiss feel so uncomfortable then?

A shiver runs through Keith when the boy takes a step closer again, staring at his lips, but it's not the good kind of shiver. Before the stranger can kiss him again, Keith takes a step back. He mutters a quick "I need to go find my friend" and then leaves.

Keith's mind is a mess. He needs air. He needs to find Lance. Lance and air are pretty much the same thing to him anyway.

But turns out Lance doesn't need _him_.

Keith finds his best friend in the empty living room, pushed up against the wall by the boy who threw this party. Their lips are locked, Lance's eyes are closed and the boy has his right hand under Lance's shirt. It's clear that they're both enjoying it.

Keith freezes entirely. His body is like cement. All of his thoughts disappear — or, at least the rational ones do.

Keith wouldn't want to give jealousy too much power since he knows he doesn't have any right to be jealous in the first place. Unfortunately, it is a feeling that is extremely hard to control. Catching your crush snogging someone else... well, the sight just automatically makes something ugly curl inside your stomach. Chanting _I don't care, I don't care_ is not going to help.

Why oh why did he let Lance drag him to this party?

Suddenly, the boy (Lucas or Liam or something, if Keith's memory serves right) pulls back to breathe, and finally Lance opens his eyes. In a panic, Keith forces his legs to work, runs to the next room and hides behind the door, holding his breath.

The silence after the kiss lasts barely a second, but it feels like the longest second of Keith's life. All he can hear for a short eternity is heavy breathing.

"Well?" Lucas-Liam is the one who ends the silence. There's cockiness in his voice.

"Ye-yeah, that was... wow." Lance's voice sounds thick and hoarse and _hot_ , and Keith wishes he was anywhere but here.

"So you liked it?"

" _Wow_. I mean, yes!" Lance utters, voice suddenly high-pitched. It makes the other boy laugh.

Keith balls up his hands into fists until the nails bite into his skin.

The boys exchange a few more words before Lame-Liam has to go check the pool in case 'someone has drowned or something'.

Keith listens carefully.

Fading footsteps. Lance's dreamy sigh. His own rapidly beating heart.

Keith sends Shiro a quick text, telling him that he's not feeling too good. Then he takes a deep breath, decides that he's had enough of hiding behind this stupid door and confronts Lance.

He's not prepared for the look on his best friend's face even though he should have.

To put it briefly, Lance looks _kissed_. His lips are swollen, bright red and rosy. His cheeks are flushed, a faraway look in his eyes as he stares at nothing with a smile on his face. The boy messed up his hair and it looks so damn good.

Their eyes meet. Lance flashes him a brilliant smile. Keith is having a hard time accepting the fact that someone's kiss was powerful enough to make Lance drunk.

Another twinge of jealousy runs through him.

Maybe he only has himself to blame. If he had stayed with the brown-eyed stranger, he wouldn't have deal with this heartbreak. Oh well. He wished for a headache and now he's got it.

The phone in his pocket beeps.

 **Shiro**

 _Ok, I'll be there in 15 mins._

 _Have you been drinking? What about Lance?_

"Keith."

Slowly, warily, Keith raises his eyes from the phone.

Lance brings his fingers to his bruised lips. "I'm bi."

It's like the air in the room becomes clearer, more pure. Lance sounds so pleased, so glad, somehow relieved to finally be at peace with his sexuality. His laugh bubbles through the room, making Keith laugh, too. Oh, how he adores that smile.

Lance is overjoyed, and Keith forgets to be jealous.

-/-/-

Lance gets his first girlfriend when he's 17.

Keith couldn't care less.

Or at least that's what he tells himself every time he sees the couple together. He knows very well what a terrible liar he is. And you can never lie to yourself.

He's got a feeling that Lance, too, knows he's lying when he says he's happy his best friend has found someone. Of course it's not a complete lie, but Keith can't help that the compliments and well wishes come through gritted teeth.

All Lance talks about these days is how amaaazing his new girlfriend is and how she's the mooost beautiful human being he has ever laid eyes on and how he loves her sooo much. Okay, yeah, alright, Keith gets it. She's wonderful, better than Keith in every way. Lance doesn't need to remind him every hour.

Keith can't believe that this is how he's wasting most of his free time now: watching Lance bat his eyelashes a little too eagerly at his girlfriend. On top of that, he has to listen as the two bond over stars and planets or whatever. It makes Keith want to gag. That used to be his and Lance's thing.

" _Lovebirds_ ", he spits the word out like it's venom and then averts his gaze when Lance leans in to kiss his girlfriend.

It's not like Keith is particularly excited to watch his crush kiss someone else or hear the gross noises their mouths make, but Lance always invites him to hang out with them and Keith doesn't have the heart to say no. When it comes to Lance, he's weak.

Day after day, Keith wears a gloomy look on his face and keeps his arms crossed over his chest, but Lance feels like he's on top of the world.

One day, a few months after he started seeing his new girlfriend, Lance knocks on Shiro's parents' door and comes to Keith's room looking like the end of the world is near even though it's Saturday. His eyes are red, clearly from crying.

"She left me", Lance manages to whisper, little pieces of his heart splattering on Keith's floor.

For a moment, Keith just studies Lance's watery eyes, the words sinking in very slowly. Finally realizing the situation, he rushes to take Lance's hand and invites him in. His friend marches straight to his bed and wraps the blanket tightly around himself.

"What... what happened?" Keith asks, offering Lance a tissue. "Do you, uh, do you need anything? A glass of water or something?"

Lance shakes his head, pressing the tissue paper against his eyes, then blowing his nose.

Unable to close his mouth because of the shocking news, Keith sits on his chair, facing Lance, trying to figure out what to say. "Do you... want to talk about it?"

This time Lance nods. "Sh-she said —" his voice cracks immediately and instead of words, a loud sob slips past his lips. "Sorry." He sniffs after swallowing the next sob. "She said that she couldn't pretend anymore..."

"Pretend?"

Another strangled, heart-wrenching cry escapes. Lance grabs Keith's pillow next and hugs it to his chest. "I, I really was falling for her, Keith, but she never really felt the same way about me! Apparently, she only started dating me out of _pity_."

Keith doesn't know what to say. That sounds absurd. Why would anyone do that when loving Lance is so easy?

"It hurts so bad", Lance sighs, finally burying his face in the pillow and letting the tears out.

"Do you want me to go and kick her ass?" Keith suggests. "I could punch her a few times, if you'd like?"

Lance's head snaps back up, giving him a stern glare. " _No_ , Keith." Then his face disappears behind the pillow again.

Keith spent the last 2—3 months listening to Lance's lovesick nonsense. He heard Lance say the words 'I love you' probably more than a million times. Only now he realizes that the girl never said those words back, not even once.

Something twists in Keith's stomach. Even though Lance constantly tells his loved ones he cares about them, and while Keith is sure that they all care about him, too, no one ever tells Lance so. Keith has never heard the boy's mother say the words 'I love you, son' in any language. His siblings never tell him that they love him to bits, too. Not even Hunk has ever verbalized his affection, although he does show his love in other ways.

All of a sudden, Keith is angry, though he has no right to be. He has never told Lance that he cares for him. He has never told he appreciates him, that he loves him unconditionally and so much his chest sometimes feels like it's about to explode. He's just as guilty as everyone else.

And still, as Lance weeps in front of him, Keith keeps his mouth shut.

-/-/-

"What's that?"

Keith hesitates before answering. He doesn't like the tone of Lance's voice nor the scowl on his face. "A letter... from the Galaxy Garrison."

"You got in?"

"I guess I did", Keith confirms, turning the letter in his hands, still trying to process everything. "Classes start next month."

Lance doesn't speak to him for a week after that. Keith decides that there's nothing worse than a jealous, sulking Lance McClain.

Keith spends those seven days helping Shiro, who's preparing for his first space trip. He spends seven days without his best friend and that feels like seven days too much. It makes him realize that he misses Lance too easily.

After the week is over, Lance calls him and apologizes, admitting how childish and petty he behaved when he should have been excited that Keith got accepted. He promises to try and apply again next year so that they can both study to become astronauts and make their dream come true.

Fly to the moon, swim with the stars, permanently move in with the darkness.

-/-/-

" _We are deeply saddened to inform you that Takashi Shirogane has gone missing during a space mission along with the rest of the crew. We firmly believe that he has passed away. The Garrison would like to express their condolences to Shirogane's family and friends. May he rest in peace._

 _This tragic loss reminds us all how life is always —"_

Letting out the most horrifying cry, Keith rips the paper in half. He drops to his knees, his world falling apart with him. Keith is falling down, down, down, and there's no end to it.

A supernova passing through Earth. Such a mournful farewell.

How can this lonely nightmare be real?

-/-/-

Keith spends most of his days alone, isolating himself. He drops out of school. Pushes Lance away. Doesn't keep in touch with his parents.

 _Shiro's_ parents.

Guilt is eating him up inside, but he's just too tired to face them. He knows what they would say. They'd say they understand him and his grief and then they would forgive him for ignoring their calls for months. They'd remind him that Shiro wouldn't want him to waste his life like this.

All Keith wants is for them to forget he ever existed. They are mourning for the loss of their son, and — even though it might be selfish — Keith doesn't want to watch them grieve because he knows he wouldn't be able to stand it.

Lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, Keith thinks about Shiro. He thinks about death. He thinks about nothing in particular. Keith has no motivation to do anything and doesn't even eat daily. Besides, there really isn't that much to do in the first place when you live alone in the desert.

It's quiet around him. Peaceful. Just like Keith likes it. Now and then the desert truly feels like a paradise to an introverted man.

But then there are days when Keith can feel a crushing weight on his chest. No matter how hard he tries, he just can't breathe. The lonely shack is filled by broken gasps, and Keith spends hours wondering how he has not gone crazy yet.

Suddenly, his phone buzzes on the bedside table, disturbing his depressing thoughts. Before even touching the device he knows that it's Lance.

 **McLame**

 _Hey buddy can i come over?_

 _Ive had a reeaally rough day today_

 _And i know u could use some company too_

 _Please?_

 _Keith!_

 _Hellooo_

 _Come on man..._

Keith does not reply to any of Lance's texts. What's the point when everything is so meaningless?

But, unfortunately for him, it doesn't take long until there's a knock at his door. Keith almost falls off the couch, startled.

"Keith?"

How on earth did Lance even find him?

"Your parents sent me", his friend starts, the door between them muffling his voice. Ah, well, that answers Keith's question then. "Can I come in?"

"No."

Lance comes in anyway. The door is not locked, it never is.

Keith covers his face with a blanket, not wanting to be seen by anyone. "Leave me alone."

His friend says nothing.

Keith groans when he feels Lance sit on the couch next to his legs. Then they start fighting about the blanket. Keith is trying to keep his pout covered, Lance is trying to see him. In the end, Keith gives up, mentally drained from the start, and lets Lance pull the blanket off him.

Keith looks at his best friend for the first time in four months and a pang of pain shoots through him at what he sees.

The person in front of him is only a shadow of the Lance Keith knows. This boy is much paler, a lot more pitiful. This boy's lips are only a thin line, his shoulders are slumped forward. There is tired desperation in his eyes, but no light on his face. How is it possible for a person to look both taller and shorter?

Keith doesn't know what Lance sees when he looks at him, but all Keith sees is loneliness.

Before he can protest, Lance lies down beside him. It's uncomfortable and awkward, the couch is way too small for both of them. Lance doesn't seem to mind that much, but Keith is panicking, fighting the urge to push his friend away. Too much, too close.

Without warning, Lance wraps an arm around him. Keith is instantly on fire. Lance's touch is always like an electric shock that goes through his body, changing everything.

Keith wants to curl up in a ball. It has been months since anyone touched him. His skin is too vulnerable.

"Don't touch me", he commands, but the words taste weak in his mouth.

Lance doesn't let go. "Don't shut me out", he begs, burying his face in Keith's chest. "I want to help. I miss you, okay?"

With love in his fingers, Lance caresses his back. Keith swallows, suddenly holding back tears.

"I really need you, Keith", Lance whispers, and finally Keith understands that he's not the only one vulnerable here. Maybe Lance has been falling down, down, down, too. "Please, let me in..."

The reassuring warmth of another person numbs Keith's mind. Slowly, his hand moves to Lance's back, returning the embrace. This is exactly what he's been missing, he realizes.

Keith never really needed the stars, just Lance. He is so grateful to have him, but he has never known how to express it with words. He can only hope that his hand on the small of Lance's back delivers the message for him.

-/-/-

"Keith, what do you think about marriage?"

"Marriage?" He pauses for a moment, then shrugs. "Haven't really given it much thought."

A big lie.

Thankfully, Lance doesn't try to pry the answer out of him, just hums and turns his face back to the stars.

It's dark around them, only the quiet autumn wind keeps them company. It's nice, really nice, even though the grass beneath their bodies makes their skin itch a little.

Judging by the way Lance's eyes go back and forth between Keith and the sky, he clearly waits for Keith to ask him the same question. When that doesn't happen, Lance sighs and points to the stars. "My biggest dream is to live on a faraway planet where I would meet the most mesmerizing alien prince or princess the universe has ever created."

Keith can't help his snort. "And then what?"

"Then I would obviously marry that beautiful alien and we'd live happily ever after."

"A fairytale ending, huh?"

They sit silent for a while. The wind grows a little louder. Keith feels like Lance is still waiting for him to ask something.

He shrugs off the feeling and focuses on the timeless stars instead. The night is completely still, the sky alive like a Van Gogh painting. Everything is always more beautiful underneath the moon.

Keith closes his eyes. All of this makes him think of Shiro. It's been more than six months since anyone has seen him, and Keith is lost. Every day it gets harder and harder to call this planet his home. Everything around Keith reminds him to be careful of loving the stars too fiercely because he now knows you can never catch them.

" _But_ ", Lance starts again, making Keith open his eyes, "since I know I'm never going to meet any aliens, I would be more than happy if the love of my life turned out to be a human being. I'd be honoured if I got to spend the rest of my life with them."

Not really knowing what he's supposed to say to that, Keith just nods. There's a sorrowful smile on Lance's lips, which is unusual. He rarely looks so sad while talking about love.

A sorrowful sigh follows the sorrowful smile. "But I'm starting to think that it's never going to happen..."

"Um", Keith mumbles, searching for words. "At least you'll always have me?" he tries and grimaces immediately. It sounded just as awkward as he thought it would.

But Lance turns to him, still smiling, the sadness now quickly fading. "Yeah, you're right", he agrees, starry-eyed, and Keith isn't sure if his heart can survive such softness. "I'll always have you."

The sincerity in Lance's voice catches Keith off guard, leaves him tongue-tied. "Wha... You... You will?"

God, Keith wants to punch himself.

Lance's body tenses. He tries hard to force laughter. "I-I mean, I hope so? Um, you know, because you're my best friend and... stuff..."

Is it just Keith or is Lance suddenly having a hard time maintaining eye contact? Is Lance _blushing_?

"I just never want to lose you, Keith..."

Keith's ears cannot believe what they're hearing. Sure, Lance can sometimes be quite straightforward with his feelings, but what he's saying right now feels... kind of romantic? Or maybe not. Keith's mind must just be playing tricks on him. Is this what it means to have a weak, gay heart?

In that case, curse his heart.

"What are you — ? You won't lose me, Lance."

And then, like it could really be that simple, Lance drops his gaze to Keith's lips and leans in closer.

Keith's body freezes instantly. His heart forgets to beat, his brain forgets to tell his lungs to breathe.

 _Is this really happening? **Is this really happening?**_

Even when he's holding his breath, Keith can still tell that Lance is hesitating. Soon enough, a pair of warm lips press against his _forehead_ , not his lips, but Keith isn't complaining.

Everything is soft in this moment: the kiss, Lance's lips, Keith's weak, gay heart. Lance isn't just touching his skin, he's touching his soul, too.

Keith tries to count the seconds; one, two, three, four... The softness seems to last an eternity.

It ends way too soon.

Lance leans back and he's not smiling anymore. He looks at Keith and then instantly breaks eye contact, guilty, like he's afraid Keith will yell at him.

All Keith can do is blink, really. He tries to get his heart rate under control but that is easier said than done. Hopefully Lance doesn't notice that his neck is practically on fire.

"Wha— ahem." Keith clears his hoarse throat, the fire quickly spreading across his whole face. This is so embarrassing. "Why did you... do that?"

Lance's cheeks are bright red, too. "Shit, I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking, maybe I just... Nevermind."

Lance gets up, rubbing the back of his neck, refusing to look at Keith. He turns around and starts walking away.

"Lance —"

"I'm tired, I'm going home."

"Hey, wait!" Keith gets up, too, and runs after his friend. His forehead is still tingling. "We came with _my_ bike!"

Somehow, Keith just knows. _I love you_ , that's what the kiss meant. _I won't let you get hurt._ It gives his racing heart hope. _Please, don't ever leave my side._

Like always, Keith is too much of a coward to say those words back. But this is the first time he thinks both of their hearts might be sinking.

-/-/-

Lance gets his first boyfriend when he's 21. They meet while he's visiting his grandparents in Cuba.

And Keith... Well, he's already used to seeing Lance date other people. Sure, it does make jealousy poke into his heart, but he tries to be reasonable. Lance's partners come and go. He doesn't think this time will be any different.

A year passes. The boyfriend doesn't go anywhere.

Every time they hang out together, Keith has to suffer through all the syrupy sweet talk. He has to witness the smile on the boy's face when he rests his head against Lance's shoulder. He has to watch as the boy reaches for Lance's hand and caresses it, one finger at a time. For some reason Keith can't turn away, not even when the boy buries his face in Lance's neck, lips brushing against Lance's skin.

"I love you, babe", the boy speaks in a whisper, but loud enough for Keith to hear. There are hearts in Lance's eyes.

Another year passes. Lance moves in with his boyfriend.

Something feels different.

-/-/-

"Lance", Keith greets as he opens the door, sounding slightly irritated. His hair is still wet from the shower. "What's the emergency?"

"I... I ran here as fast as I could", Lance breathes out, panting and clearly exhausted. "I wanted to tell you the news first. Or second, actually. I already called my mum."

"Um, alright? It's nothing bad, is it?"

"Oh, no, no." He takes both of Keith's hands in his, giving them a gentle squeeze. The smile on Lance's face is both sunny and strangely teary. His skin is warm like always and Keith never wants to let go. It's been so long since they last held hands like this.

Then Keith notices something on Lance's hand that wasn't there the last time they saw each other.

A ring.

On Lance's ring finger.

"I'm getting married", Lance whispers, laughing and sobbing at the same time. The words shatter Keith's taped up heart in an instant. "He proposed! God, Keith, can you believe it?"

Keith has to pull back. Lance's warm hands burn him.

He had no idea that Lance and his boyfriend were that serious.

"The date has not been decided yet, but we've already made some arrangements. First, since we both love our home country, we're going to move back there to —"

"Wait, you're going to _what_?" All colour drains from Keith's face. "You're... moving to Cuba?"

Nodding, Lance looks down, a soft smile spreading across his lips. "I will never get to go to space but if I can live near the ocean... that's more than enough for me. After all, there's only one planet with Veradera beach."

Keith's can feel his blood run cold. It's hard to process the news, hard to understand everything he's about to lose. He has not missed this empty feeling.

 _God, Lance, you just turned 23, tell me you're not serious!_

Positively thrilled to be engaged, Lance goes on and on about ever lasting love and his fiance's kindly twinkling eyes. He brags about how they promised to love each other with all their hearts for the rest of their lives. Keith is tired of pretending like he wouldn't love Lance forever, too.

Keith's heart screams for him to finally confess his feelings. His heart is convinced that something beautiful would happen if he just let himself love Lance the way he really wants to. _Doesn't Lance deserve to know the truth?_ his heart keeps asking.

Trusting your heart isn't easy. Keith doesn't know what to do.

"This feels kind of surreal, right?" Lance is still babbling even though Keith isn't really listening. "You know that I've always wanted a big wedding but since I know we can't afford it —"

"But..." Keith finally opens his mouth, interrupting his friend. "Lance, you... you can't."

"Huh? Can't what?"

 _Leave me._ "Move to a different country so suddenly..."

"Well, it's not going to happen _that_ suddenly. Besides, I still need to find a job." The reassuring smile on Lance's face does not make Keith feel any better. "Wait. Does this mean that you will miss me? Aww."

Turning his head, Keith huffs. He doesn't have to answer. Lance knows damn well that Keith will be lonely without him.

"Keith, hey."

A comforting hand touches Keith's shoulder. The warmth of Lance's palm crawls underneath his skin, making Keith look up. There is so much joy in his frend's eyes, sparkling like blue stars, and Keith thinks Lance has never looked so kissable.

"It'll be fine. Besides, aren't you proud of me?"

He _is_. It's just... He wants Lance to love _him_. He wants Lance love him more than the distant planets and their moons. He needs Lance to need him more than he needs the ocean, his second home.

But now Lance has finally found the one who isn't scared to tell him how special he is. He has found someone who tells him every day how loved he is. And Lance deserves nothing less.

It is honestly repulsive how much Lance's happiness makes his chest ache. Keith is disgusted with himself. Is there no end to his selfishness?

Guess not.

He is selfish and greedy and desperate, and desperation often results in rash behavior.

Keith puts his hands on Lance's shoulders, stands on his toes, can't believe he's doing this.

It's hardly a kiss — if you can even call it that. Their lips barely touch and then it's over. Still, it is the most tender kiss Keith has ever given anyone before. It holds more meaning than all the other kisses combined.

The moment their lips aren't touching anymore, Keith also knows he screwed up big time.

Lance forgets to blink. He just stares at Keith, stares at him as though he had been betrayed. A flare of anger flashes in his eyes.

Keith swallows. Lance's reaction is like straight from his nightmares. For a second, Keith wishes he hadn't dropped out of school because if he was a pilot now, he could just launch himself straight into the sun. This is what selfishness causes.

Shaking his head in disbelief, Lance takes a few steps back. The anger in his eyes turns into grief.

"Lance", Keith starts, but he has no idea what to say. "I, I don't why I —"

"You _can't_ , Keith", Lance cuts him off instantly, voice stable and more serious than Keith had expected it to be. "You can't do this to me."

With pleading eyes, Keith starts to apologize, "Lance, please, listen."

But Lance doesn't want to hear it. Leaving Keith alone to deal with his regret, Lance storms out of the apartment and doesn't look back. Keith has broken something between them and he's scared that it can never be repaired.

Lance now finally knows about his feelings. This is how Keith loses his best friend, the person that matters the most. Feelings _suck_.

True happiness is peace from inside, Shiro's words echo in his mind.

Keith still has a lot to learn.

-/-/-

 _Nervously playing with his fingers, Lance stares at the other children, unsure what to do. Everything is still so new; both scary and exciting._

 _More scary, though, he decides._

 _The playground near their new house is crowded with families today. 20 minutes ago Lance had been convinced he would make lots of friends. Turns out no one is too keen on playing with him._

 _A wave of homesickness clutches at Lance's heart, but he tries to shrug it off before anyone can notice. He misses the ocean **so bad**. He misses his grandparents and he misses his dad, who stayed behind._

 _Lance misses his dad even though he used to yell at him every day and told their mum that he never wants to see any of them ever again._

 _A group of children are playing hide-and-seek. Lance just stands there and watches, no one asks him to join. More than anything, Lance wishes to be part of the group. If only they realized how nice he is... If only they accepted him..._

 _Lance has always found it hard to deal with loneliness. Back in Cuba, he had friends, **best** friends... although, it's getting harder and harder to remember their names. The point is, if he could go back, he would._

 _Then Lance's eyes land on a little boy who is playing alone, away from the others. The boy seems to be busy picking petals off unlucky flowers and mumbling to himself. The way his brow furrows makes Lance think he's about to trample the weeds underfoot._

 _Lance's curiosity grows. He walks up to the boy, putting on the sweetest smile, hoping it will earn him friend points._ _"_ _Hi!"_

 _To his disappointment, the boy ignores him completely and just keeps abusing the flower in his hands._

 _The overly eager smile on Lance's face falls. He swallows down a lump in his throat and tries again. "Why are you here alone?"_

 _At last the boy glances up, one eyebrow raised. Lance has never before seen anyone with dark purple eyes._

 _"_ _Because I'm counting petals", the boy finally explains._

 _A valid reason._

 _Lance looks around, focusing on the adults sitting on the benches. None of them has shiny black hair or hauntingly beautiful eyes._

 _"_ _Where's your mum?"_

 _The boy hesitates for a second. He turns back to the flowers. "My foster father left me here. He went shopping for groceries."_

 _"_ _Oh." Lance has no clue how a foster father differs from a normal father. "Is your mum at work, then?"_

 _The question makes the boy grit his teeth. The frown deepens into a scowl. "I don't have a mum."_

 _Gasping, Lance covers his mouth with his hands, eyes threatening to pop out of his head. He makes sure no one is listening before leaning closer to whisper a horrified, "How did she die?"_

 _The stranger's fists clench. Lance recognizes anger when he sees it._

 _"_ _I don't know", the boy replies, almost spitting the words out like they're causing him physical pain. "Maybe she's not dead."_

 _He gets up and starts walking away. Lance follows him, somehow even more intrigued._

 _Does this kid have no one to love? No one who loves him? It is a sad thought to Lance, a boy who only wants to surround himself with love and friendship._

 _"_ _Stop following me", the boy orders after Lance has been bugging him for several minutes._

 _"_ _I want to play hide-and-seek with you."_

 _"_ _Leave me alone."_

 _"_ _Why?"_

 _The blunt question makes the boy go silent for a moment. "Because... because I don't know you."_

 _Relieved to hear that that's the only obstacle between them and their lifelong friendship, a real smile finally lights up Lance's face. "Do you want to get to know me then? Because I reeaally want to be your friend."_

 _"_ _You mean that?" The boy looks around, like he's expecting someone to jump out of nowhere and laugh at him for falling for such an obvious prank. "You want to be friends with **me**?"_

 _Lance's nod is enthusiastic. "What's your name?"_

 _"_ _Keith."_

 _Something warm and hopeful replaces the loneliness in Lance's chest. "I'm Lance."_

 _He offers Keith his hand and, much to Lance's surprise, the other boy takes it without hesitation. Hand in hand they head towards the swing sets, trying to decide which one of them hides first._

 _No one has ever looked at Lance the way Keith looks at him. Those unique eyes study him intensly, stopping for a moment to memorize his freckles. Keith looks at Lance like he wants to know more, like he finds Lance **interesting**._

 _Lance decides then and there that he's going to give this boy all the love he needs._

 _More warmth blossoms in Lance's heart. Holding hands with Keith is overwhelming. All he wants to do is bombard Keith with questions and get to know his new friend better._

 _Maybe, Lance thinks, he isn't so bad at making friends after all._

 _-/-/-_

If Keith is completely honest, he thought he would never see Lance again.

Clearly, he was wrong. _Thank god he was wrong_ , because here Lance is again, standing in the doorway of his apartment, and the relief Keith feels almost brings tears to his eyes.

It's been a month since they last saw each other, but Lance still looks as angry as ever. He's carrying two heavy backpacks on his shoulders and a scowl on his face.

The first few minutes they spend in silence. Keith hates how hard his heart is pounding. It's hard to look Lance in the eye.

In the end, it's Lance who first gets tired of being silent. "Can I stay the night?" he mutters and nods towards his bags.

Keith blinks. That wasn't what he had expected to hear. "Ye-yeah. Of course. Um, come in."

Immediately, Lance drops his backpacks on the floor, an exhausted sigh leaving his lips. The dark circles under his eyes make him look like he has not slept in days. It hurts to see him like that.

Nevertheless, Keith is dying to ask a million questions. But since he messed up so bad the last time they spoke to each other, he tries his best to hold his tongue. He doesn't want to risk losing Lance for good.

"I left him", Lance drops the bomb, giving an answer to almost all of Keith's questions at once.

Instantly, Keith stubs his toe on the wall. Cursing loudly, he tries to ignore the ache and instead focus on what Lance had just said. It takes a moment before the words really sink in, and even then nothing makes sense.

"You... you what?"

"I left hi—" Lance stops, unable to repeat his own words. "You heard me, Keith. Don't make me say it again."

Keith's thoughts are a mess. "But... but _why_? Why would you do something like that?"

Lance's bottom lip starts quivering. He turns around, hiding his expression from Keith. "I must be an idiot, right?" He laughs, voice trembling. "I'm a horrible human being who doesn't deserve anything good."

"That's not —"

Lance turns to face Keith again, trying to look brave even when his eyes are starting to fill with angry tears. "If all it took was one, tiny kiss from you for me to start hesitating whether I truly want to spend the rest of my life with him... then I sure as hell don't deserve him."

Keith gulps. Now he realizes that Lance isn't actually angry at him. Lance is angry at _himself_.

Keith can't say he knows how guilty Lance feels, but he's sure it's nothing compared to how awful _he_ feels. This is not what he wanted. He would do anything to turn back time and not kiss Lance. Did he honestly ruin his best friend's engagement?

"I broke his heart, Keith. I heard how he sobbed and cried and begged me not to leave as I closed the door behind me. I... I miss him so much already..."

"Why does it matter that I kissed you? Just forget about it!" Keith yells back. "I'm sure your boyfriend will understand! The kiss doesn't even count as cheating or anything because it was all my fault! You should go back and —"

"I can't go back because I'm in love with you."

And just like that, Keith's world both collapses and rebuilds itself. The final destruction that purifies his whole soul. It has been more than ten years since Lance last said those three words to him. And just like ten years ago, Keith wants to flee those words.

He's quite sure he's supposed to be either happy or sad, but the truth is that he feels neither. It's almost like his emotions have shut down completely. He never thought something like this would be possible.

"You're... what?" His whole body is numb. What Lance is saying cannot be true.

Lance hides his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry", he whispers. "I just can't ignore it anymore, I can't..."

The mute heart in Keith's chest starts to regain its senses. There's a little bit of confusion in there, but also a glimmer of hope. Maybe this is real.

Keith can't yet feel his legs, but they're still moving on their own. Before he even realizes it, he has taken Lance's hand in his and brought it to his lips. He channels all the adoration and devotion he feels for Lance into the kiss.

"Thank god..." Keith whispers. The smell of the ocean surrounds him. "Thank god you love me..."

There has always been something magical about holding Lance's hand. The touch is healing, it brings security. Lance's fingers are longer than his, they're warm and familiar, and Keith doesn't feel like his legs are going give up anymore.

Disbelief crosses Lance's features as he stares at Keith with his mouth hanging open. "You feel the same way? Really?"

Gathering all the courage he can find in himself, Keith manages to nod.

"Are you serious?"

Keith nods again, this time twice.

"I'm not dreaming, am I?"

" _Lance_."

And then Lance is crashing into him, hugging him so tightly he can't breathe. All the numbness goes away. All of a sudden, Keith is feeling way too much at once. He thinks his heart might literally burst out of his body.

Lance cups Keith's face in his hands, staring into his soul, unable to hide his sunny smile. He leans forward to press their foreheads together.

"I love you."

A powerful shiver runs through Keith's whole body. The words still frighten him, but he is not going to run away from them this time.

"I love you", Lance says again, sounding more than relieved to be able to say those words out loud.

Keith closes his eyes.

This is it. This is the moment where he finally uses his voice and lets Lance know how much he cares about him.

"You're my best friend", is Keith's confident promise.

Throwing his head back, Lance bursts out laughing. The loud, bubbling happiness is like music to Keith's ears. The glimmer of hope in his eyes grows into a flame.

"Mm", Lance accepts the confession and presses a loving kiss to the top of Keith's head. "That's a start."

* * *

Thank you so much for reading :) Comments are always greatly appreciated! I'll love you forever...


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